The Devil Interviews Me

Devil: First of all, let’s get this out of the way. Do you dislike to avoid abstaining from not eating babies?

Jeremy C. Shipp: What?

D: Just answer the question!

JCS: No.

D: Ah, you do eat babies then.

JCS: No, I meant that I won’t answer such a confusing question.

D: So you’re not as smart as you claim to be.

JCS: I’m not claiming anything.

D: You wrote a novel. Isn’t that another way of saying, “Look at me. I’m smarter than everyone else. I belong on a pedestal so that I can throw tangerines at people’s kidneys.”

JCS: Are you evil or just stupid?

D: Moving on. Let’s talk about your novel.

JCS: Finally.

D: What inspired you to write a story that’s pure evil?

JCS: I wouldn’t say it’s evil.

D: Aha, but didn’t you say in a prior interview, and I quote, “I’m Jeremy. I like writing evil stories. Anyone who reads my book loves the Devil and wants to marry him?”

JCS: I never said that.

D: Your word against mine. Anyway, if your book isn’t evil, then why do you kill every single character?

JCS: You haven’t even read it, have you?

D: I can read it in your eyes.

JCS: That’s it. We’re done.

D: No, wait! I’m sorry. Sometimes I get a little overexcited. It’s a condition. If you say your book isn’t pure evil, then it isn’t pure evil. I’m sure it’s filled with baby puppies dancing on giant sunflowers.

JCS: Don’t get me wrong. Bad things sometimes happen in the book, because bad things sometimes happen in life. People don’t always act respectfully towards one another. The book, I’d say, has a good heart. It wants the world to be a better place.

D: I understand. You’re saying that you’re some sort of savior who can save mankind from all its suffering.

JCS: Just…forget it. This interview’s over.

D: Fine. But before we can publish this interview, I’ll need you to sign right here.

JCS: There…wait a second. What was all that fine print?

D: Nothing.

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