Inane Grocery Bag: First of all, I’d be a stupid idiot if I didn’t thank you for agreeing to this interview. Thank you.

Jeremy C. Shipp: I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but I never agreed to anything. You drugged me and locked me up in this broom closet against my will.

IGB: Oh yeah? Then why, pray teller, did you sign this consent form?

JCS: That’s a coconut with the words “Greedy Macadamia Nuts” written all over it.

IGB: I rest my case.

JCS: If I cooperate, will you let me go?

IGB: Of course. Like I always say, if you love someone, you have to let him go, and if he doesn’t come back to you, then you never really had him in the first place. I read that in a fortune cookie once, back when I was living inside a fortune cookie.

JCS: OK. Can we get on with the questions?

IGB: Right. The other day, a grape vine told me that you’re a writer. Would you mind writing “Greedy Macadamia Nuts” all over my face?

JCS: You don’t even have a face.

IGB: Then why, pray teller, did I buy this Halloween mask?

JCS: It’s pray tell. Not pray teller.

IGB: If your goal was to hurt my feelings, you just won first prize. Here’s your medal.

JCS: That’s just a tissue box with the words “Smarmy Hoof Cheese” written all over it.

IGB: Moving on. What inspired you to start writing?

JCS: Well, I—

IGB: Wow, that’s really interesting. Do you want me to shave your head?

JCS: No.

IGB: You didn’t let me finish the question. I was going to say—do you want me to shave your head now or later?

JCS: Never.

IGB: My ears of corn must be playing tricks with me, because it sounded like you said, “Feathered Milk Cruise.”

JCS: Alright, I’ve had enough. I just realized these chains are made of spam. I’m going home.

IGB: But Jeremy. You are home. That’s the twist ending.

JCS: Great. Well then, I’m moving back to my old house.

IGB: I didn’t see that one coming! With skills like that, you could be a writer.

JCS: Thanks.