Inane Grocery Bag: First of all, I’d be a stupid idiot if I didn’t thank you for agreeing to this interview. Thank you.
Jeremy C. Shipp: I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but I never agreed to anything. You drugged me and locked me up in this broom closet against my will.
IGB: Oh yeah? Then why, pray teller, did you sign this consent form?
JCS: That’s a coconut with the words “Greedy Macadamia Nuts” written all over it.
IGB: I rest my case.
JCS: If I cooperate, will you let me go?
IGB: Of course. Like I always say, if you love someone, you have to let him go, and if he doesn’t come back to you, then you never really had him in the first place. I read that in a fortune cookie once, back when I was living inside a fortune cookie.
JCS: OK. Can we get on with the questions?
IGB: Right. The other day, a grape vine told me that you’re a writer. Would you mind writing “Greedy Macadamia Nuts” all over my face?
JCS: You don’t even have a face.
IGB: Then why, pray teller, did I buy this Halloween mask?
JCS: It’s pray tell. Not pray teller.
IGB: If your goal was to hurt my feelings, you just won first prize. Here’s your medal.
JCS: That’s just a tissue box with the words “Smarmy Hoof Cheese” written all over it.
IGB: Moving on. What inspired you to start writing?
JCS: Well, I—
IGB: Wow, that’s really interesting. Do you want me to shave your head?
IGB: You didn’t let me finish the question. I was going to say—do you want me to shave your head now or later?
IGB: My ears of corn must be playing tricks with me, because it sounded like you said, “Feathered Milk Cruise.”
JCS: Alright, I’ve had enough. I just realized these chains are made of spam. I’m going home.
IGB: But Jeremy. You are home. That’s the twist ending.
JCS: Great. Well then, I’m moving back to my old house.
IGB: I didn’t see that one coming! With skills like that, you could be a writer.