inane grocery bag interview

Inane Grocery Bag: First of all, I’d be a stupid idiot if I didn’t thank you for agreeing to this interview. Thank you.

Jeremy C. Shipp: I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but I never agreed to anything. You drugged me and locked me up in this broom closet against my will.

IGB: Oh yeah? Then why, pray teller, did you sign this consent form?

JCS: That’s a coconut with the words “Greedy Macadamia Nuts” written all over it.

IGB: I rest my case.

JCS: If I cooperate, will you let me go?

IGB: Of course. Like I always say, if you love someone, you have to let him go, and if he doesn’t come back to you, then you never really had him in the first place. I read that in a fortune cookie once, back when I was living inside a fortune cookie.

JCS: OK. Can we get on with the questions?

IGB: Right. The other day, a grape vine told me that you’re a writer. Would you mind writing “Greedy Macadamia Nuts” all over my face?

JCS: You don’t even have a face.

IGB: Then why, pray teller, did I buy this Halloween mask?

JCS: It’s pray tell. Not pray teller.

IGB: If your goal was to hurt my feelings, you just won first prize. Here’s your medal.

JCS: That’s just a tissue box with the words “Smarmy Hoof Cheese” written all over it.

IGB: Moving on. What inspired you to start writing?

JCS: Well, I—

IGB: Wow, that’s really interesting. Do you want me to shave your head?

JCS: No.

IGB: You didn’t let me finish the question. I was going to say—do you want me to shave your head now or later?

JCS: Never.

IGB: My ears of corn must be playing tricks with me, because it sounded like you said, “Feathered Milk Cruise.”

JCS: Alright, I’ve had enough. I just realized these chains are made of spam. I’m going home.

IGB: But Jeremy. You are home. That’s the twist ending.

JCS: Great. Well then, I’m moving back to my old house.

IGB: I didn’t see that one coming! With skills like that, you could be a writer.

JCS: Thanks.

6 thoughts on “inane grocery bag interview

  1. The good thing is that on your way home, you can stop at the store and use Insane Grocery Bag to carry the milk, bread, and toilet paper everyone rushes to buy when a snowstorm is pending.

    It’s not snowing?

    Then just recycle it.

  2. I was sure I’d have a witty comment to reply with by the time I filled out the details above (name and stuff), but I don’t. It was an interesting interview. Ah, here we go: It’s like you got interviewed on an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force when the main characters were out of town, or possibly on their way to rescue you, only to have Meatwad mourn the fact you destroyed his cousin Spamchain who had just been in with the wrong crowd and wouldn’t normally restrained you if he hadn’t been under bad peer pressure.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s