Here’s my recent interview with the inventor of a controversial new product called Bottled Love.
Jeremy C. Shipp: First of all, Doctor Cupid, what is Bottled Love?
Doctor Cupid: It’s exactly what it sounds like. A liquefied extraction of love inside a bottle that people can ingest at their leisure. We offer a wide variety of love types, from platonic to romantic to extremely co-dependent.
JCS: Are there any side effects?
DC: The customer does run a small risk of experiencing explosive diarrhea, nostril pus, rectal flowering, and moderate death.
JCS: And why exactly would people want to buy your product when they could get the real thing?
DC: We at Love Juice Laboratories know how difficult it is to maintain relationships in the modern world. Who has that kind of time anymore? Our socioeconomic systems aren’t set up to nurture relationships.
JCS: But couldn’t we change the systems?
JCS: Why not?
DC: Because in order to thrive, corporations need minions…I mean, wage slaves…I mean, hard workers. If our systems were motivated by love, think about what kind of world this would be. I probably couldn’t afford a single jet.
JCS: Tragic. I’ve heard rumors that the process of bottling love involves killing a thousand baby ducks for every bottle. Is this true?
DC: That’s nothing but a sensationalized exaggeration. We only use 500 ducklings per bottle. The other 500 bodies are human babies.
JCS: That’s horrible.
DC: Don’t worry. We grow them all in our laboratory. They’re our property.
JCS: How do you justify this loss of life?
DC: That’s not my job. The FDA approved the product.
JCS: But how do you, as a human being, rationalize killing so many babies for the sake of making money?
DC: I don’t understand the question.
JCS: Well, that’s all the questions I have. Thanks for the interview.
DC: Please love me.
DC: I didn’t say anything.