Jeremy’s Halloween Survival Tips

Ah, Halloween. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 1…2…3…

So far I’ve counted 237.

Anyway, I love everything about Halloween (except for the candy corn). Despite my adoration, I know that Halloween isn’t the safest of holidays for us humans. After all, in the darkness of Samhain, monsters and demons roam the earth, searching for souls to devour and flesh to rend. Here are some safety tips that should keep you alive and happy for the night. I mean, if you’re lucky.

  1. Never insult a demon’s mustache.
  2. If an evil clown offers you a piece of candy shaped like your own head, don’t eat it.
  3. Even friendly ghosts have a breaking point.
  4. If you’re going to pop a demonic balloon animal, stand at least 10 feet away.
  5. Ectoplasm is as poisonous as it is delicious. And it is very delicious.
  6. Don’t swim in the river Styx unless you want all your organs to grow mouths and scream until they implode.
  7. Stay away from petrified forests. Those trees are frightened for a reason.
  8. On Halloween, Count Chocula drinks more than chocolate milk.
  9. After you finish your jack-o’-lantern, don’t let it carve your face in return.
  10. Sand witches aren’t as edible as they sound.
  11. If you’re being chased by mindless zombies, try distracting them with shadow puppets. Fun will be had by all, at least until they get bored.
  12. Bobbing for apples is safer than bobbing for reanimated shrunken heads.
  13. Try to avoid swallowing vampire bats whole, because they might return to human form once they reach your stomach, and that’s no fun.
  14. If carnival music starts playing inside your attic or basement, fight the urge to investigate.
  15. Not all trees with human heads growing out of them have your best interests at heart.
  16. Eating candy corn might give you temporary super powers, but stay away from the stuff anyway. Candy corn is gross.
  17. The Great Pumpkin views direct eye-contact as a sign of aggression.
  18. If a Halloween mask melds with your face, don’t freak out. You’ll only make things worse.
  19. A field of baby corn isn’t a great place to hide.
  20. When all else fails, use ancient magic to summon Falcor. He’ll know what to do.

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