10 fun science facts you won’t believe are true

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1. The human skeleton can gain consciousness and vibrate until all the flesh melts away. Milk only increases this possibility.

2. There’s a tiny version of you living inside a random coconut, singing about your fears until its inevitable death.

3. A penguin wearing a tuxedo is invisible to the naked eye.

4. The human-faced beetles living in your walls can eat up to 100 pounds of human organs a day.

5. If you read the word octopus three times in a row, you will transmogrify into an octopus octopus octopus.

6. Your cat is the center of the universe.

7. Night lights actually attract monsters. Sorry, kids.

8. Plants are, in fact, just extremely lazy animals.

9. The cockroaches that meld with your face while you sleep are called shadow bugs. You will have to live with them.

10. In some countries, science is considered more reliable than unscience.

10 children’s books to read before you die

Here you go, peeps.

1. The Giver by Lois Lowry

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2. Momo by Michael Ende

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3. The BFG by Roald Dahl

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4. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster

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5. Holes by Louis Sachar 

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6. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott 

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7. The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare

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8. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

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9. The Folk Keeper by Franny Billingsley

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10. American Born Chinese by Gene Luen Yang

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More Date Ideas

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More date ideas from JCS:

-travel back in time and play childish pranks on your ancestors

-get possessed and see who can spin their head the fastest

-serenade each other with melodicas

-see who can transmogrify into a pineapple first

-create a kitten-sized elephant in a lab

-watch a ballet performed by trained velociraptors

-explore the Grand Canyon in a catbus

-spoil a picnic being held by giant ants

-use a shrink ray to travel into each other’s hearts

-come up with a world domination plan together

-search for hedgehog ghosts

-touch your eyeballs together

-organize a civil war reenactment with Furbies

-bake unbirthday cakes for each other

-feed the dinosaurs

-build a robot butler out of Commodore 64s

-put Schrödinger’s cat inside Pandora’s box and see what happens

Facebook Messages

Here are some excerpts from Facebook messages I’ve recently received.

“Just saw your beautiful picture…can we join hand together?”

“How went life, Jerome? You appear sensational.”

“I am Kenneth, personal attorney to late Dr Stephan Shipp. Nationality of your country who died in fatal car accident and left a deposit of US $10.5 Million in a bank here in Togo.”

“Arab girl I want a long relationship I want a penile.”

Cat Philosophy

“You don’t need to search for the meaning of life,” my cat says. “The meaning is all around you. There are cushions to sleep on, and shoes to sniff, and light bulbs to stare at, and feathers to chase. Just look around or sniff the air and you’re likely to find some meaning in any given moment.”

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Dentist

“So you’re a writer?” my dentist says. “That’s awesome. I love books, except for weird or scary stuff. So what is it that you write, Jeremy?”

“Um,” I say. A tear rolls down my cheek.

“Oh sorry,” she says, readjusting her drill. “Am I hurting you?”

“Yes,” I say. “Yes, you are.”

14 Resolutions for 2014

1. Trap a penguin in a painting by Theodore Joseph Louis Geirnaert.
2. Learn everything about wind.
3. Bring Waffle Man to life using Tesla coils and various gadgets.
4. Count to 324.
5. Don’t let the statues in the square ignore you anymore.
6. Bathe, at all times.
7. Wear more fishhooks and oversized buttons.
8. Join anti-tennis mailing list.
9. Butter shoes.
10. Write a pretentious piece about oven mitts and talking tumors.
11. Dress like a tweed nightmare.
12. Befriend a gnarled puppet and start a Vaudeville act.
13. Guilt trip a cabbage.
14. Eat the Waffle Man and give him a burial at sea.

Kitty Kitty Meow Meow

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Oh you pretty Kitty Meow Meow,
Kitty Kitty Meow Meow
We love you.
And with
Kitty Kitty Meow Meow
Kitty Kitty Meow Meow
What we’ll do.
Near, far, with our Kitty Meow
Oh what a happy time we’ll spend.
Meow Meow Kitty Kitty Meow Meow
Our fine fun furry friend.
Meow Meow Kitty Kitty Meow Meow
Our fine fun furry friend.