Facebook Messages

Here are some excerpts from Facebook messages I’ve recently received.

“Just saw your beautiful picture…can we join hand together?”

“How went life, Jerome? You appear sensational.”

“I am Kenneth, personal attorney to late Dr Stephan Shipp. Nationality of your country who died in fatal car accident and left a deposit of US $10.5 Million in a bank here in Togo.”

“Arab girl I want a long relationship I want a penile.”

Cat Philosophy

“You don’t need to search for the meaning of life,” my cat says. “The meaning is all around you. There are cushions to sleep on, and shoes to sniff, and light bulbs to stare at, and feathers to chase. Just look around or sniff the air and you’re likely to find some meaning in any given moment.”



“So you’re a writer?” my dentist says. “That’s awesome. I love books, except for weird or scary stuff. So what is it that you write, Jeremy?”

“Um,” I say. A tear rolls down my cheek.

“Oh sorry,” she says, readjusting her drill. “Am I hurting you?”

“Yes,” I say. “Yes, you are.”

Are You Chicken?

I woke up in the attic this morning, tied to a throne made of multicolored Care Bear skulls. Here’s what happened:

Attic Clown: Thank you for joining us today on Are You Chicken? This is the game show that’s so funny, you’ll laugh yourself to death or die trying. The rules are simple. Answer every one of my questions correctly, or else I’ll trap you in my magic coop and transform you into a rubber chicken. Then you’ll serve as my minion for the rest of eternity. Do you understand?

Jeremy: Please let me—

Attic Clown: Question one. What’s funnier? A ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

Jeremy: I don’t know! Now would you please let me—

Attic Clown: Correct! No one knows which is funnier. Scientific studies have proven that bricks are hilarious because you can throw them at people’s heads and force them to make silly faces, and feathers are hilarious because you can tickle people until their psyches implode. But for now, even the top scientific clown minds can’t discern which is more amusing. Question two. Can I peel off all your skin and fold it into an origami hippo?

Jeremy: No! You can’t—

Attic Clown: Correct! I only know how to make a swan. Question three. What should you do if you see an attic clown devouring the soul of a yard gnome?

Jeremy: Help! Help!

Attic Clown: Correct! It’s impolite to let an attic clown eat alone. Question four. What was the last book that you read?

Jeremy: Let me go!

Attic Clown: Close enough! The last book I saw you reading was Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. Question five. Why do you write?

Jeremy: For the love of all that’s good in the world, please—

Attic Clown: You would write for love, you little goody two-shoes! You’ve answered every question correctly, so you’re a winner! Attic Clown, please tell Jeremy what he’s won.

Attic Clown: Jeremy has won the most precious thing in the world. His freedom! And not only will we release him, we’ll also move out of his attic and never bother him again.

Attic Clown: That’s right! Of course, instead of these fabulous prizes, you could choose what’s behind door number one. What’s your decision, Jeremy?

Jeremy: I want—

Attic Clown in Jeremy’s voice: Door number one!

Attic Clown: Alrighty, let’s open up the door to the rubber chicken coop, and see what you’ve won!

Jeremy: Oh no…

Attic Clown: There’s no reason to be in such a fowl mood, Jeremy. I promise you’ll have an eggcellent time serving me as one of my minions. So stop looking so shell-shocked and buck up!

An Ordinary Day

Today was an ordinary day.

In the morning, I was hopped up on Gummiberry Juice, so I spent a few hours dressed up as Pizza Bear, terrifying the innocent.

Later on, my cat took me for a walk.

After that, me and my cat spent a few hours sitting in pots, staring at each other.

In the afternoon, I started feeling sick, so I took some Airborne. The Airborne expired in 2008, so I was only able to fly two feet off the ground.

Eventually, I started feeling better, so my wife and I went dancing.

Now I’m exhausted, but I’m too scared to sleep. I’m frightened because…well…sometimes my feelings are best expressed in shirt form.