If you visit your local fast food restaurant and wink 100 times, they will deep-fry your lower half and feed that to your upper half.

If you fear the blank page, draw a couple hedgehogs in top hats on there and then get writing.

Playing the Lord of the Rings soundtrack makes dusting your home so much more epic.

Check it out, peeps. Shotgun Logic has posted a lovely new review of my horror release IN THE FISHBOWL, WE BLEED.

“When it comes to groundbreaking fiction Jeremy isn’t just marching to the beat of his own drum, he’s dancing frantically to the groove of a band of mariachi clowns.”

Click here to check out the full review.

If you can’t beat them, join them. And if you can’t join them, maybe treat yourself to a bowl of chili cheese fries and take a nap.

If you want to curse at someone but you don’t want to sound mean, just add “jelly bean” to the end of your sentence. Go to hell, jelly bean!

When binding your soul to a demon, make sure to pick a cute one. You’ll be glad you did.

If you don’t want to go to a party, send a mannequin filled with jumping beans in your place.

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the toaster. How did you even fit in there? And why are you wearing pajama jeans?

When you’re shopping for your jack-o’-lantern this year, be careful, because pumpkin patch gnomes use pumpkins for their toilets.

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