Shipp Tip #8

If you can’t beat them, join them. And if you can’t join them, maybe treat yourself to a bowl of chili cheese fries and take a nap.
-JCS

Shipp Tip #7

If you want to curse at someone but you don’t want to sound mean, just add “jelly bean” to the end of your sentence. Go to hell, jelly bean!
-JCS

When binding your soul to a demon, make sure to pick a cute one. You’ll be glad you did.
-JCS

If you don’t want to go to a party, send a mannequin filled with jumping beans in your place.
-JCS

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the toaster. How did you even fit in there? And why are you wearing pajama jeans?
-JCS

When you’re shopping for your jack-o’-lantern this year, be careful, because pumpkin patch gnomes use pumpkins for their toilets.

When there’s a lull in the conversation, lift your top hat and reveal the family of miniature raccoons.
-JCS

When you wish upon a star, make sure it’s not the twinkling eye of a giant space gorilla. They view eye contact as a sign of aggression.
-JCS

Attic Clowns: Volume Four is free today on Kindle!

1. The human skeleton can gain consciousness and vibrate until all the flesh melts away. Milk only increases this possibility.

2. There’s a tiny version of you living inside a random coconut, singing about your fears until its inevitable death.

3. A penguin wearing a tuxedo is invisible to the naked eye.

4. The human-faced beetles living in your walls can eat up to 100 pounds of human organs a day.

5. If you read the word octopus three times in a row, you will transmogrify into an octopus octopus octopus.

6. Your cat is the center of the universe.

7. Night lights actually attract monsters. Sorry, kids.

8. Plants are, in fact, just extremely lazy animals.

9. The cockroaches that meld with your face while you sleep are called shadow bugs. You will have to live with them.

10. In some countries, science is considered more reliable than unscience.