Hi, my name is Jeremy C. Shipp. You might recognize my name from such award-winning novels as Who’s the Duck? and Mr. Pickles Eats His Spleen.
If you’re anything like me, then there’s nothing you despise more than doing what you should be doing. Who wants to waste their life working, doing the dishes, and spending quality time with their loved ones?
Personally, I would much rather be slacking off. Of course, being a slacker isn’t easy. There are a lot of hardworking people out there who will tell you that being lazy isn’t a real job, but they’re only jealous. Being a slacker is a noble, often thankless profession. You’re not going to win any awards, but you will win the respect of people like me whose opinions mean very little.
Anyway, I thought I would write 100 foolproof excuses to help you on the road to professional slackerdom. But I decided to write 10 instead. You know how it goes.
Here they are:
1. I couldn’t finish that proposal because my appendages transmogrified into fur-bearing trout.
2. I didn’t meet you for dinner because I was attacked by a murder of giant crows who were wearing top hats and monocles.
3. I know I told you I’d pick you up from the airport, but on the way to my car, I fell into an abyss and the shadow people who inhabit the darkness made me their leader and I had to save my citizens from themselves.
4. I wanted to clean the house, but it was the house’s turn to clean me.
5. I always get your birthday and my birthday mixed up, so I bought myself that new game system you said you wanted.
6. I wanted to meet my deadline, but the clowns living in my attic threatened to throw flaming pies at my face if I didn’t play video games all day.
7. I would have gotten out of bed, but me and my blanket needed to work on our relationship.
9. I wanted to wake up early, but the tiny people living in my cabinet kept screaming all night.
10. I ate my own homework because I thought it was a stack of really thin pancakes.
Huh, I guess I skipped number 8. Eh.
(Feel free to comment with your own ingenious excuses.)