During renovations of our small Victorian farmhouse, we came across a mound of ash in the attic. Something moved inside the mound, and we were positive it was some sort of animal. But when we searched the ash, all we found was an old doll.
The attic doll has been with us ever since. I interviewed her recently, and here are the results:
Me: People all over the internet have expressed interest in learning more about you, so I appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions.
Attic Doll: No prob, blood giant!
Me: I’ve been meaning to ask, why do you call me that?
Attic Doll: Why wouldn’t I call you that? You’re a giant and you’re filled with blood. You’re a weird creature. All the mannequins in the attic think you’re weird too. You don’t even eat spiders or insulation.
Me: Okay, enough about me. We’re here to learn more about you. So, you’re a possessed doll, right? Who or what are you possessed by?
Attic Doll: Wha? I’m not possessed! I’m animated by cosmic powers beyond human comprehension. I thought that was obvious.
Me: I see. Can you tell me a little about what you do for fun? What are your hobbies?
Attic Doll: I like lots of things, giant. I like looking at rotting oranges. I like riding the skeleton dog around town and throwing acorns at random humans. I like decorating my hair with burs and goat heats. Oh, and I love the electric drill. She’s a beautiful machine. I like drilling my way to the center of things and peering inside. There’s much to see.
Me: Speaking of that, is there any way you could stop drilling into our undrunk soda cans?
Attic Doll: Wha? How else am I supposed to set off the soda geysers?
Me: The geysers are the problem.
Attic Doll: That makes no sense, giant. You’re speaking in riddles.
Me: We’ll discuss this more later. Anyway, I was curious if you’d like to be called anything other than Attic Doll? Have you given any thought to a name?
Attic Doll: Nah, I haven’t thought about that, but I could think about it now, if that would make you happy. Do you want me to think about it?
Me: Sure.
Attic Doll: I’m going to crawl into my thinking squash. I’ll be right back.
Me: I thought I told you to throw that rotten squash away. It stinks like all hell.
Attic Doll: Quiet, blood thing. I’m thinking.
Me: Fine.
Attic Doll: I’m done thinking now. I think I would like to be named Jeremy.
Me: Don’t you think that would be a little confusing if we’re both named Jeremy?
Attic Doll: You can be called Weird Blood Creature Jeremy. I can be named Regular Jeremy.
Me: I don’t know. Are there any other names you like?
Attic Doll: I like the name Blorgatorga for you. You look like a Blorgatorga.
Me: I wasn’t asking you for another name for me. Let’s just move on to the next question. I’ve noticed a massive ball of entangled, human-faced worms in the attic, and the ball seems to be growing every day. What’s that about? Should I be concerned?
Attic Doll: Nice try, Blorgatorga! I’m not going to spoil your birthday surprise. The mannequins told me you might try to compel answers from me before the big day, but I will not be persuaded. I have the will of a cosmic space lobster.
Me: I’m assuming cosmic space lobsters have strong wills?
Attic Doll: Yeah, of course.
Me: Well, those are all my questions for now. Thank you for the interview.
Attic Doll: Thank you for letting me chew on your eyelashes and nose hairs while you sleep.
Me: Wait, what?
Attic Doll: Bye bye!
Jeremy C. Shipp 